Pain

Sorry for the stream of consciousness posts. If you're reading this, I hope it makes sense.

Hating a diagnosis where they're like "dont know what causes it. don't know how to fix it. just keep the pain down" and then the pain isn't going down. It's now moved from foot to ankle, which might be progress. I've missed two days of work (unacceptable) and the prospects of being able to walk on Monday don't look good. I'm going in anyway. There's too much to do and too much still hanging in the balance. I hate missing work. I hate feeling this way.

Had a little bit of a breakdown this morning. Had to take a shower; just felt so grimy. But that's pain added to pain. Took two pills against my better judgment. Will admit it took the pain away, and now I am nice and warm downstairs. Hair is sticking to my face now. No moisturizer, so my face is cracky and ashy. Feeling so beautiful today. So sorry for myself. So pitiful. Wah.

Too many responsibilities crashing in on me. I remember this pain from several years ago and how I felt helpless. I remember choosing a life verse while in the shower: Isaiah 40:31. I claimed renewed strength. I took "wait" as literal. I claim that verse still. Perseverance. I'm not asking for perfect, even though I strive for it. I don't think happiness and contentment require perfection.

Hubby is doing a great job as nursemaid. Hasn't complained once and has helped keep my spirits up. He has no idea how to comfort me, and I have no idea what to tell him. He remembers how he felt when the roles were reversed. I love him for that. When this is done, I'll get him a card or something as thanks. He loves cards as a surprise. I love that he loves such simple things. Yes, sometimes simple is more charming than irritating. I love him.